Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself is a book by Nedra Glover Tawwab. Nedra Glover Tawwab is a licensed therapist and a New York Times best selling author. She has also many publicized pieces in various prestigious journals like the New York Times to more contemporary journals like Vice. She also appears on various podcasts as a guest as well. Her pieces ranges from boundary regarding self, family and relationships to name a few.
A New York Times bestseller and a highly acclaimed booked by many reviewers and publications; Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself is a book where Tawwab goes over what boundaries are in the first part of the book, while in the second part of the book it focuses on how boundaries can be set and upheld. The book is 273 pages long with fifteen chapters. Like I previously stated the book is divided into two parts, so reading the book doesn’t seem long; if that’s something you are worried about. If you are wondering each chapter is around twenty pages or so (mentioning this because I am someone who weirdly wants to know how many pages in a chapter whenever I am interested in a book lol.)
I think that this is a piece of literature that everyone should get a copy of. The text provides you with information that helps you in various aspects of your life. From self to family, to friends and romantic relationships. She truly tries to cover most if not all aspects of boundaries. Below I will list a couple of reasons of why I believe everyone should read this book.
Feel Good Reading
Reading this book makes you feel good. One quote that stuck with me was from the last chapter and it stated “All people live in their own dream and their own mind. Even when words seem personal, such as a direct insult, they really have nothing to do with you.” I like this quote because it really shows how the world works. Even though someone may think of us in the worse form ever, we personally know that we are not that and we should t let that affect us. She reassures the reader that they should keep on doing what they love and what they find best for themselves because at the end of the day they shouldn’t take anything personally. I am a great advocate of not caring what strangers think. It shouldn’t matter what others think of something that you like and enjoy. As long as you personally are happy and are not hurting anyone it’s okay.
Moreover, in the text she further emphasizes that we have no control in how others perceive us and even if we put on the best front; someone can still misconstrue it. This is great advice and knowledge because sometimes some can become so obsessed with how others view them that it can be come a problem. Additionally, I loved this piece of advise because we live in a digital world where everyone always tries to have the best front for their online profile. I think if people just started caring less of how others perceived them, we would have better relationship with the online world and ourselves.
With these two points you may think they have nothing to do with boundaries, but they do. I’m the sense that when we want to set a boundary with someone we shouldn’t be afraid of how they might perceive us after we set a boundary; if it is a truly healthy relationship, there shouldn’t be any problem or change in how they view you. While if there is that means that there were problems from the beginning. And if they see you in a bad light because you are standing up for yourself then that’s another negative thing on them. She really lets the reader know that it is okay to stand up for yourself and that there is nothing wrong in doing so.
All people live in their own dream and their own mind. Even when words seem personal, such as a direct insult, they really have nothing to do with you.”
-Nedra Glover Tawwab
Learn About Yourself
In the first part of the book she goes over what boundaries are, what are healthy ,what is not and if you have any. This part will make you realize a lot about yourself and really have you reflecting. In short she names three main types of boundaries one can have: porous, rigid and healthy. A porous boundary is when you do not have boundaries or if you do you do not uphold them people do not respect them and can take advantage of you. A rigid boundary is when you have boundaries and do not let your guard down for anyone else making yourself distant. A healthy boundary is when you can communicate with others how and why you are feeling a certain way to help you feel better and understand you.
While I believed I had healthy boundaries because I am someone who always stands my ground, I soon found out I actually have rigid boundaries. I do tend to be distant from others especially strangers. I also found out that I was counter dependent. Being counter dependent is “when we develop a rigid boundaries to keep people at an emotional distance.” Reading this stuff I was shocked and I did not expect this stuff to have a name for it. I am not someone who is ashamed about sharing about what I learned about myself because it is something that I am working on changing and on my blog I am very open about mental health and everything.
Furthermore, she speaks about various types of boundary situations and scenarios she has helped clients with (remember she is a licensed therapist.) Sometimes you will feel like you can fully connect with one story and totally feel how the person in that scenario is feeling, while sometimes you just cannot understand how someone has gotten themselves in that situation. She covers a broad range of issues so you surely will be able to connect to one.
Learn Valuable Things for Self
The second half of the book focuses on ways to implement boundaries and try to uphold them in the various relationship in your life like work, friend, family and partners. This section you learn a lot more ways to try and uphold your boundaries or set them. While the first part helps you find and pin point issues you may have, the second part helps you implement them in certain relationships and how to handle them. This is important because you cannot handle and try to have all relationships be the same. You might have some boundaries with people that you do not have with others and you need to know how to handle people depending on who they are in your life and how they impact you.
For family issues she speaks on how to set boundaries with parents, in-laws, siblings and kids, for topics such as expressing feelings, trying to be comfortable, money, etc . For romantic relationships she speaks about boundaries with communication, expectations, etc. For friendships she covers boundaries with things such as giving advice, oversharing, enmeshment, etc. For work issues she covers boundaries for being in a toxic work environment, having a balanced life style, just to name a few. I think that these chapters can be really helpful to all because she cover various scenarios that people will go through with the people they deal with the most in their life.
When reading some answers you may think to yourself well that is common sense and you are wrong. Not everyone thinks the same. I am happy she even puts the simplest boundaries in here because while for some it may seem like nothing, someone might think that this was never really “a boundary” of sorts that they had thought of. She writes in a way that reassures the reader that everything they are doing is for the best.
However, she just doesn’t always speak positively about ourselves. She also brings up being accountable and how we still need to up hold our boundaries so there are no slip ups. And how we also need to respect others boundaries if we want people to respect ours. Having boundaries is a two way street, you have to accept others, so they can accept yours.
I hope that after reading this post you are persuaded to get a copy of this book. This is something that can be helpful for everybody, because you may not even know you have boundary issues at times. I believe that 2022 is the year where people should start to appreciate themselves more and love themselves more. Setting boundaries is a way of self love because you are putting yourself first by not allowing anything you don’t like or find comfortable to be done to or around you. If you are trying to get a copy you can purchase one anywhere online or you can also head to your local library and see if they have this book for checkout. That’s what I did, but I am going to buy my own copy of this book because I love it and want to have a personal copy.
I did explain everything very surface level because there is a lot she speaks about in the chapters that I didn’t want to cover because I just want to introduce the book to others so they can read it themselves. I don’t want to just explain the book. There are more things I missed like big B and little B, and more. Please checkout this book !
Here I will leave a hyperlink attached to a page where she listed her publicized pieces in journals and features in podcasts so everyone can check out: Podcasts & Publications. (I suggest checking out the Maintaining Digital Boundaries episode from the Therapy for Black Girls podcast)
J’s Journal 
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